Musings 7/6/2019

This won’t be a popular thing to say but it’s my story and I won’t edit it to be popular. You’ll only get the raw, unedited truth here.

I don’t spend a lot of time wishing for what might have been. Ever since I read his suicide note, I’ve been angry. He didn’t even say goodbye. He knew he was going to die. He knew he was going to shatter me. He couldn’t even say “I love you”. He just left. He didn’t care what it would do to me. After all the love and support and trust and laughter and plans and joy and hope…he just told me to call 911.

If he walked through the door today I would be thrilled he was alive. I would also beat the living shit out of him. I wouldn’t take him back. He shattered me. I’m no longer the woman he was married to. He hurt me a million times more than he ever could have if he had abused me. He literally nearly killed me. He stole everything from me. I would be so glad he’s here for his kids. I would be so happy he could have a life. But it wouldn’t be with me.

Bob abandoned me. I know he felt like it was his only choice but that doesn’t mean that makes it feel any better for me. He still left me. He still didn’t care that he was going to absolutely devastate those of us who love him.

This is a new version of me that he doesn’t know. Ive had to start to rebuild in a reality where he only exists as a memory. I’ve had to fight and suffer and scrape and bleed to try to accept that he’s really gone. Now that I have, I need to look forward.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the absolute hell out of him. I didn’t want this. I wanted forever with him. I would have been his wife as long as he chose me. But he didn’t. He didn’t choose me. He didn’t choose life. I will never stop grieving the loss of what was. But I absolutely have to focus on what is and will be.

I finally feel hope. I feel joy sometimes. I feel love and attraction and happiness sometimes. I want to love and be loved again. I want to share my life with wonderful people who believe in love and laughter and living our best lives.

I wish Bob was still here. He’s not. He decided that life was too hard. I don’t fault him. I feel like making that choice more than I care to admit. I just don’t make that choice for a myriad of reasons. So, I’m choosing to focus on hope and building the future. I can’t live in the past.

I love Bob. I will forever love him. I will honor his memory and be a good steward of his legacy. But I’m moving forward with my life. I’m still here and I have to live for me.

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